I've been in my cave.

I'd been pensive and thinky for a few days.

If I'm honest, it's been more then a few days. Building and pushing in gently, and I know change is coming. I've felt this way before.

Last time, I clutched that feeling to me and tried to live past it. Because of fear. I'd never lived anywhere except our tiny town (village? I think technically it is) and I wasn't sure I could. Literally years of questioning, wondering, and giving myself excuses until I just couldn't take it anymore.
I was such a miserable girl inside. And I don't think I hid it well.

Things haven't been quite right lately. There've been a few big cries while Pete holds me, bewildered but supportive. Conversations about our options, our best future.
'What does it matter?,' he asks. 'We'll still be together!'

Our friend had just left, after talking about hopping states and opportunities, and that sentence was exactly what I needed to hear. He'd said it before, but it had to be just the right moment for me to hear it.
Something clicked along with my smile. He's right.
For the first time, we can take the jump together.

It comes down to this:
I no longer want to live a life where I envy anyone anything. I want to take the risks that are right for me (& my family, because Pete is my family) and get us to where we need to be.
Intelligently, honestly, and with a little Jenni-spazzing thrown in.
But we'll get there.

I'm seeing past all the have-tos and adults shoulds to the truth. I'm responsible for building my own future. My own life.
And this? Isn't it. It was a great place to rest and catch my balance, but I've gotten that now. I'm no longer challanged or happy, and that's bleeding over into the things that do make me happy.
Pete, my friends, my family : they all deserve the best I can offer. And at this stage, they aren't getting it. Hell - I'm not getting it.

So, plans are in motion.
Right now it feels like baby steps, but as with everything big that happens to me, I'm likely to get swept up so fast I don't know what's hit me until months later.

And that sounds great. I'm ready.